before 2022,
i used to smile a lot, full of spirit. full of energy, what happened to me?
why do i feel like just living but not alive?
having no dreams nor desire, not feeling happy nor sad,
only acceptance that this rotten world is the one i should live in and that nothing i could do to change anything,

it's becoming harder and harder for me to socialize, and for the first time in my life, i love being alone and trapped in my own world, only me and The Creator in silence, without the world's standard, without the d*mn reality i'm not saying that i stopped trying to make this world a better place to live, i'm just saying that i stopped feeling special about it

anyway,
i didn't feel like the current situation is bad though, i guess it's just a phase in life
i have no idea what kind of future awaits us nor what's the best way to face it, or
what obstacles hinder the growing nor the most efficient strategy to overcome it,

however,
i believe what i found in this phase would be beneficial for me for the upcoming challenges,
then here comes the big question,
"what is the discovery of this phase? why it made me feel insignificant and sometimes look pathetic?"

the discovery is...
that i am not special, nothing special about me, nothing special about people in general, because everyone is special
a paradox, isn't it?

there are rules applied in this world, but the one that makes sense the most for me is "there are consequences of any choice" and that's why everyone is unique so that none of us are unique

the concepts are a bit hazy but i guess the implications are quite understandable.

no one is special, so...
i don't normalize people demand for special treatment, i also never demand any special treatment myself, i stand in queue when i need to and encourage people to queue as well when i could

we're not special, therefore the ups and downs we've been through must also be experienced by others, despite being in the different forms,

the implications for the concept "not so special" pushing me to not feel too happy nor feel too sad, because i have this faith that it's all just the phase that shall pass,

then... i find it harder and harder to smile that much, cry that loud, being proud for the achievement, or overwhelmed with the failures, i tend to respond the life plainly, i forgot when was the last time i have a real and deep feeling about the life, or something in life.

i know i have friends, family, colleagues, i know they love me and cheering for me, i know i love them as well
i know it all, and i acknowledge them
i also know that there are things in life that i don't know, and i am willing to learn more, i am learning
i am going forward and have no regrets i know i should be satisfied

.
.
.

and, despite the uncomfortable feeling i experienced since last year, here i am not being able to escape from my reality and consequences

i have to hear these nonsense forum and even create a summary and develop "narration" based on this, sometimes 1 need to be secretive, sometimes 1 need to play dumb, sometimes i need to pretend that i support one thing or another because i know at this point i couldn't do more

i wonder is this reality that makes me hate the world so much, is this routine that makes me rotten inside?

i'm not the fan of how the "world" works