Ceritera

When I am in demotivated phase, I always think that I have no one to share the problems with. I am keeping the problems in my head, try to not really take it seriously, and slowly forget it as time flies. But, sometimes, when the problems are quite much, I experience the 'overloaded phase'. That is when I start to cry, even if I don't know what's wrong with me.

Well, I am in the 'overloaded phase' now. Been in bad mental condition for the last five days, and had no one to share a story with. I feel so insecure about the probability that I might be annoying if I decide to call someone, and also insecure about the possibility that people might be talking so much and I ended up not saying much.

I don't need any advices, I just want to be heard, and I know that listening to someone's story is the most difficult thing for every human being. People tends to argue. All of us. Especially people with high pride. So... I remain silent and experience this 'overloaded phase'.

Like I said, when this phase comes, I start to cry. So I am. Lock the door and crying alone in my office room. Wondering why, but also hoping that this uneasy feeling will be disappearing soon.

I need help. But, I am too arrogant to ask it from anyone.

In several occasions, I experienced being an outsider, the one that was not really part of the group, but involved in the agenda.

Being an outsider is so uncomfortable. Sometimes, I realised that my existence was annoying for the group, but I had no courage to leave them because I was afraid that they would call me too fragile.

I had no choice other than to remain silent, hoping that someday anyone would kindly kick me out officially. Really, being officially no one is better than involved in the group I didn't belong to and treated as an outsider.