For years, I assumed that I have experienced broken-heart(s), even gotten used to it. I was so confident that any breakups could not give significant damage to my currently stable life. I assumed...
However, for the last two weeks, I realized that my previous experience is nothing compared to this. I lost myself for days, couldn't sleep for nights, questioning my own efforts, my own decisions, only to find that I couldn't do better, to find that I already gave all things possible.
And the worst thing of all is... I can't even hate him. I can't even consider him a bad person. I still love him, even after all of those crazy situations and hard conversations.
After we closed things with thanks and sorry, he decided to disappear completely from my life, and I can't even complain, I respect his decision, I do what he wanted, even if I know, I always know, that I deserve a better closure, one thing that I couldn't even ask from him regardless of what he has done to us.
It's almost 3 weeks since the outbreak, and I'm done crying. My heart slowly got numb again and I don't know how to get it healed this time. I don't know anymore, whether time would be enough or not.
I want to have faith. I push myself to still have faith in what God promises. But, in parallel, I also push myself to not stop running. I should work on my life properly, catching up from the point where I left, catching up with the life that I almost gave up when I thought he wanted to have a life with me.
I tried to look at our relationship journey again, as a whole. I always said that I'm sure of him, I'm so sure that I can't even imagine myself living my life with other people.
However, things are getting blurry as I try to see it from apart. I started to see the big hole, the red flags, and how toxic the relationship was, especially when this other girl appeared and somehow steal the stage.
I won't write the details on how indecisive you are regardless of what happened in the last 8 months simply because it hurts every time I tried to recall the stories. I only wanted you to know, that if you happened to read this whenever you are starting to care to look at my life again: I forgave you.
My friend, I forgave you for hurting me so many times, I forgave you for letting me wait alone in the airport for at least 2 hours, I forgave you for not fighting for our future, I forgave you for avoiding me instead of trying to solve the problems together, I forgave your doubts, I forgave your lies and inconsistency, I forgave you for choosing her, I forgave your words that keep echoing in my head: "kamu seharusnya nggak sama aku, kamu seharusnya sama orang yang lebih hebat di luar sana" while I already choose you without any hesitation.
Thank you for all the experience. Thank you for coming to my hotel on my business trip even if I can only meet you for 3 hours, thank you for hours of conversation almost every day, thank you for all the animes and memes you've sent to me, thank you for every night you accompany me driving while I was so sleepy, thank you for your endless support for me doing the thesis, thank you for the driving all night long from Purwakarta, thank you for the smile that you gave to me that night and somehow giving me the confidence to have expectations, thank you for the dinner with your family, thank you for the polaroid pictures that I bet still stays in your wallet up until now just like it stays on my desk right now.
Thank you and I hope our life will be crossed again in the future.
Thank you, Dimas Ihsan Rashidi. You really are the craziest thing that ever happened in my life up until this point.
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