So, this is part #2 of my story about how I ended up being single until now. Part #2 began when I was entering senior high school. It happened just in the first week when I was still in initiation.

The Senior High School's Senior

I first met him when I was studying in class, enrolling myself in the preparation class. At that time, he was a third-grader, preparing himself for the national olympiad of astronomy. I remembered the detail. He entered my class to borrow a marker. Everyone was too shocked to answer, so I ended up answer it, "yeah, sure go ahead, but please make sure you return it later."

After he left, I lost words. That was the first time I felt like the butterflies are inside my belly and my heart did not stop beating so fast. I felt like I can fly to the sky just because of the feeling. Exaggerate? Maybe I did. But, that was really an unforgettable moment in my life and I would sacrifice so much just to feel it again because as I remembered that was the first time and the last time I felt that way, at least until today.

After the marker incident, I met him several times, wondering "who is he?". Later on, I knew his name and purposely add him on Facebook and Twitter. Yes, that was my initiative. Facebook never recommend his account for me to add (like I said to him years ago). Yeah, that was me that crushing him so much, maybe because for the first time I felt like finally, I had a crush that I could learn so many new things from him.

I registered myself for an astronomy club just because of him (but it ended up failure). I stalked him so much that maybe I start to think that at that time I was not crushing him. Instead, I was just a freaky fan that maybe a little bit annoying.

There was one moment with him that I could not forget until today. That afternoon at the library, I was just reading a newspaper. Suddenly, he approached me and asking, "is it right to read it together?"

I answered, "yes," but actually my heart was not right at all. It did not calm down so that I bet he could hear it beats so fast. We kept silent for a while before I needed fresh air so I took a distance from him and going to the rack on the other side of the library.

I had a seat, and then he approached me again and asking, "what book is it?" I tried to show him the title of the book and he read it.

For a second, I thought I was in a romance novel because that was really sweet. Maybe the sweetest moment that I ever had with a crush.

After this library incident, I remember we had a lot of conversations on social media. He brought me several things from his training because I was forcing him. I brought him a thing once (I forget what it is).

After a year, he graduated, we took a picture, an awkward one, along with an awkward conversation. He gave me a birthday present before he left for college and we still had some conversations in media social.

I needed to wait 6 months before I saw him again. It was when I joined the astronomy club and preparing for the competition. It was weird to see him again in that situation. My heart was still beating so fast but I could not start any conversation at all. I was just too nervous, and he was just too different. I guessed, being a college student changed people.

After 2 years, I finally graduated. I still felt the same way about him. I was still wondering whether there is a chance for me to stand by his side.

I enrolled in ITB, becoming a college student. I was meeting him once in my first year. He came to Bandung to meet his friends and we met. He even gave me a birthday present. The handmade sakura, along with the blog entry. I loved his writing by the way. It was like I could sense his writing as if the writing is alive. And I also loved the sakura handicraft.

It was the last time "sweet things" happening between me and him. The next year, I proved it myself that being a college student changed people. I changed. Not the way I felt about him, just me that changed a lot. Me, my priority, my orientation, my perception, the way I handle things, those were changed so much just in one year.

In early 2016, I met him again accidentally but not having any conversation. I felt like he was not someone that was familiar with me. He was different, and so was I. At that time, I knew I could not love him the way I did. I should move on just because it was too pathetic to love someone that never loved you back. And me, the different me, was too arrogant to look pathetic.

In July 2016, I confessed. I requested him not to answer my confession because I was too afraid. Realized that he never loved me back all the time was enough to break my heart. I didn't need him to break my heart all the way at that time because I knew that my heart would be so hard to be healed if it happened.

I tried so hard to move on. Getting my self so busy with college things. Runaway as fast as I can from romance things. Traumatic? No, I just needed time to love myself instead of curse myself after being infatuated so much to one person for a long time and for nothing.

I saw him again in January 2017.  Surprisingly, he was in a relationship with someone I knew. At the time I found out, I thought maybe that was the only way to fully get rid of him. But, I was still crying all night long. It still hurt a lot. That was the most severe broken heart that I ever experienced in my life.

I knew that when the time comes, I should move on. And I knew that in time, I would be fine.

Is it over?
Yes, it is.
And like I said, I am fine now. I am happy for him and his girlfriend and I am glad that things didn't work out between us.

I just still wonder sometimes. After all the time, do I still not deserve to be accepted? Would I ever enough?