There is at least one time in a month when I thought so much about my love life (if you know what I mean). Desperately sometimes, 'cause I still have 25% slots for feeling according to my MBTI test result and clearly, I have no one by my side until now. In addition, I never have had any relationship before. I just had crushes, some of them were becoming my good friends and the others were just meant to be forgotten maybe.

So, here I am, suddenly recalling back to all crushes that had crossed my life path once, and wondering when this "adventure" will be over.

For the starter, you all should know that observing my own romantic relationship is quite a long journey for me. I started to "fall for someone" when I was just in 2nd grade of elementary school, which is 6 years old I guess. And I don't know what I was thinking about, but somehow I recorded every moment well on my old diaries so I can retell now what was happening at that time.

Of course, my point of view for romantic relationships is always changing over the years. Especially in the last five years during college. But sadly, my question is always the same, "will I ever enough for him? and will he ever enough for me?"

My First Crush

I knew him since the first grade, but as long as I remembered, I started to like him in 2nd grade. That was when we were put in the same class and somehow I found him attractive. He is smart (the 2nd grade smart of course), handsome, and didn't really love to talk. His silence was fascinating.

I didn't know anything about love or commitment of course. But, I liked to watch him read the book, or do the assignment, or just looking at the teacher.

I wrote so much about him but never told anyone of course, 'cause I had my own reputation. A quite good reputation. I in elementary school was always the best in the class. I never failed my test or did some disrespectful things. I was smart (as an elementary student) and no one refused that idea. I loved to study, I loved to read, I loved the library. Boring right?

I kept my feeling for myself. For years until the end of my elementary school period, without telling anybody, even if it seems that everyone knew. Every early semester, I was always hoping that maybe I got the same class as him. But, that only happened until 2nd grade, unluckily. I almost forgot to tell that even if we are in the same school and same grade, we never talked to each other. I was just too shy to initiate the conversation.

I have one memory of him. I remembered one time when we were in 6th grade we were going to a science competition together. We were on the same team but we barely talked to each other. It was regretted that the situation was very awkward. We didn't win as a group, but the cool part was I won as an individual. See? I deserved my reputation right?

Would you like to know the end of the story?

You might be disappointed, but nothing happened. When I was in junior high school, I got the bravery to contact him once, but it didn't end well. There were some reunions of my elementary school, but I could not attend most of it, though even when I attended once unluckily he was not.

I followed him on social media because at least I wanted to count him as my school friend. But in the end, I didn't really follow what is he doing. I knew he is an artist and illustrator, but that's all I know about him.

It was elementary school, so I was not really thinking of serious relationships leading to marriage or something. I was just wondering am I not good enough that I didn't deserve even just a warm conversation with him? Will I ever enough for that?

The Basketball Captain

Just weeks after entering junior high school, I fell for someone just because he helped me carrying a flower pot (besides, he is handsome of course). He was not that smart, but I fascinated by his way of treating his friends and maybe also his good-looking face.

I was aware that I was not that beautiful compared to my friends. I was so serious. I didn't have any ideas about mode or fashion. I still loved studying, books, and the library. I was still boring at that time. Smart, diligent, teacher's pet, and naive. But, I still fell anyway.

Later on, I found that he was good at basketball and also he was a playboy. Easily fall, playing around, that was so him.

I forgot how, but somehow I got his phone number and I contacted him (I forgot the reason actually). Starting at that time, we text each other sometimes, while I was seeing him changing his girlfriend like changing the clothes.

We are friends. Then becoming more friends when we were in 3rd grade because magically we were put in the same class. He sometimes seated next to me and asked me to explain some science theories (I still have that same reputation in high school). When I had to be absent because of the olympiad or competition, he would text me and amused me. He was my crush and also my friend. He even told me about his dream, well he had a big dream. He wanted to be a pilot, like his father, like his brother.

He made me change. I experienced so many firsts with him. My first runaway from class (even though only to school canteen), my first gift from a crush, my first hold hands (accidentally of course), my first ride to home, my first "song for you", my first confession, and my first broken-heart (not the severe one though).

Fell for this guy opened my eyes to so many new things that I didn't know before. My life was so "according to the rule" before, that I forgot to enjoy and explore it. With him, I got the chances to do that through some out of the box things.

How did it end? The story with him?

It was 11 April 2011, I decided to continue my education at the boarding school. That time, I felt like that was the time to told him how I feel. We talked to each other for about one hour. He told me the same story that I told him from his perspective. He told me why we stay friends for years even if he knew that I liked him. I wanted to believe him, but my logic just let it slipped away.

Days after, he suddenly showed up in front of my house just to see me. And as I remembered, that was the last time I saw him with the same feeling. That was the last day I fell just for him. Because after that, he was just a memory. A sweet one.

I admitted that I fell for him. But I never intended to be his girlfriend or something. I was aware that the feeling would not be there for a long time. I would move on as time goes by. I knew he was not the one that I am looking for.

I also followed him on social media (like my elementary school crush). Good to know that he achieved his dream to become a pilot. It is so wonderful seeing him in a cockpit, pretty much a dream comes true, given that I used to listen to him telling the story about his dream. Surprisingly, now he is in a relationship with one of my junior high school friends.

I didn't see it coming, yet I am so happy for them. But then I am wondering why we didn't go out? Would I ever enough for him? Would he ever enough for me?